Authority, power, domination & intimidation is what dictators, kings & emperors have used to subjugate & oppress their people for centuries. So why do parents do the same thing?
Authoritarian leadership–whether at home or in the classroom–means that the control is in the hands of the adult leader. It has been researched and proven for decades how ineffective maintaining control through power is. Authoritarianism often creates fearful and subservient children and/or rebellion.
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I have come to the conclusion that parents over the years have continued to use power because they have had very little, if any, experience in their own lives with people who use nonpower methods of influence. Most people, from childhood on, have been controlled by power–power exercised by parents, schoolteachers, school principals, coaches, Sunday School teachers, uncles, aunts, grandparents, Scout leaders, camp directors, military officers, and bosses.
I will be embarking soon on one of the most exciting and potentially life changing journeys that anyone, anywhere in the world will ever have the pleasure of experiencing. I am speaking about the extraordinary adventure of becoming a parent–a subject, which I humbly admit, I have absolutely no experience with.
So it occurred to me that one of the most sensible and admirable things I could do when starting out on this journey, would be to glean as much wisdom as I can on this subject from those who had come before. Thus, along with listening to the plethora of wonderful advice coming to me from family and friends, I am working my way through the world famous P.E.T. Book by Nobel Peace Prize nominee, Dr. Thomas Gordon (quoted above).
Little did I know upon picking up this book that it is much less a book about how to be a parent then it is a book about human relationships and, best of all, non-violent conflict resolution. I realized immediately that the techniques in this book are not only useful in parent/child relationships but are applicable to any conflict that may arise in any human relationship. Dr. Gordon’s thoughts on authority and coercive power in particular are right up my alley.
Here is a excerpt from a blog post on the PET Book blog which is discussing power-based control:
In fact, as most of us remember only too well from our childhood, we did almost anything we could to defend against power-based control. We tried to avoid it, postpone it, weaken it, avert it, escape from it. We lied, we put the blame on someone else, we tattled, hid, pleaded, begged for mercy, or promised we would never do it again.
We also experienced punitive discipline as embarrassing, demeaning, humiliating, frightening, and painful. To be coerced into doing something against our will was a personal insult and an affront to our dignity, an act that devalued the importance of our needs.
Punitive discipline is by definition need-depriving as opposed to need-satisfying. Recall that punishment will be effective only if it is felt by the child as aversive, painful, unpleasant. When controllers employ punishment, they always intend for it to cause pain or deprivation.
Dr. Gordon’s conflict resolution methods are extremely “relational” in nature, which is why I think I appreciate them so much. After reading Daniel Pink’s new book, combined with my current feelings on power and authoritarian control, I now more than ever, along with Dr. Gordon, hold the conviction that as people begin to understand power and authority more completely and accept its use as unethical, we will be forced to search for new, creative, nonpower, relational methods of resolving conflicts both in the home and outside of it.
Painting above by San Poggio
[...] it’s a subject that I’m consumed with at the moment. I wanted to send along a link to a blog post I wrote on authoritarianism in parenting, and a link to the book I was telling you all about, Parent Effectiveness Training by [...]
>hold the conviction that as people begin to understand power and authority more completely and accept its use as unethical, we will be forced to search for new, creative, nonpower, relational methods of resolving conflicts both in the home and outside of it.< In writing this, you make the assumption that there is only one conception of power rather than two: Relational Power and Unilateral Power. (See http://www.religion-online.org/showarticle.asp?title=2359)