“Now EROS makes a man really want, not a woman, but one particular woman. In some mysterious but quite indisputable fashion the lover desires the Beloved herself, not the pleasure she can give.”

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“Without Eros, sexual desire like every other desire is a fact about ourselves. Within Eros it is rather about the Beloved.”

The above quotes come from C.S. Lewis’ famous book The Four Loves. Lewis is describing Eros love, one of the four Greek words which can be rendered into English as “love.” The other three are storge, philia and agape, all of which God is said to posses since God is love (1 John 4:8). Lewis’ reflections here on Eros are brilliant, and in my opinion, he makes an incredibly important distinction.

Eros love of course, is the type of love that is associated with “intimate love”, or romantic love, and it is the most commonly misunderstood type of love. It’s clear that in the Bible (Song of Songs for instance) Eros love is a type of love that is “other” oriented. Eros, in the Bible, is about losing yourself in–and giving yourself away–to another, to your “beloved.”

Sadly, all too often our culture confuses self dying Eros love with self centered lustful desires (e.g. our often times misguided view of sex in this country seems to be quite relevant). Lewis points out that focusing on ones pleasure actually destroys Eros because it re-focususes one on oneself.

“No lover in the world ever sought the embraces of the woman he loved as the result of a calculation, however unconscious, that they would be more pleasurable than those of any other woman. If he raised the question he would, no doubt, expect that this would be so. But to raise it would be to step outside the world of Eros altogether.” (p. 95)

If sex is only about my desires being satisfied (like eating or sleeping), then yes, any person would do. In fact, the more the better right? But Eros love says NO. It refocuses our attention away from us and it lures us back again and again to our beloved.

Eros love reminds us that love–no matter what type of love–is hardly ever self serving. So I’d say it would be safe to assume that if we find ourselves worrying too much about our needs, we’ve somehow missed the love boat.

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Illustration above by Amanda Rae Long

Tags:C-S- LewisErosloveValentine's Day