Over the last 50 years, we have learned a lot about what helps children grow up to be psychologically healthy or unhealthy. Chief among those is the emotional climate in a family or simply put, the way parents treat their children and each other…A key element is listening with empathy. When parents learn to listen to their children’s feelings with acceptance and understanding, Instead of getting stronger, these feelings dissipate so that the child can be rational and logical once again. Just because a child is told to control his/her feelings and not express them, doesn’t mean those feelings will go away, quite the opposite. Unexpressed feelings, especially strong ones, tend to fester and intensify. Listening with empathy helps children to learn to identify, understand and regulate their emotions. It helps them grow, learn to solve their own problems, make constructive changes—signs of emotional competence. And studies show that emotional competence is the best predictor of a child’s well-being and success; it’s even more important than his or her IQ (see research on social and emotional learning).

Above is an excerpt from a letter by Linda Adams, President of Gordon Training International. Adams’ letter was written in response to a column by John Rosemond in which he attacks Parent Effectiveness Training, the communication and conflict resolution program created by Dr. Gordon. I’m a fan of P.E.T. and completely agree with Adams that suppressing feelings is not healthy and certainly does not make them go away.

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Painting above by Frida Kahlo

Tags:conflict resolutionDr- Thomas GordonP-E-T-parenting